Pretty Words and Pretty Masks

By Beth Winze

“I’d rather live my life accepting that I’m not perfect, than spending my whole life pretending to be.” ~ Anonymous

          One of the most beautiful and the most faulty things about being a writer is that you create an image. Instead of simply saying big, green tree, I can say the massive, sprawling oak shaded the yard giving a home to the songbirds. No longer was the tree big and green. I gave you an image to replace a stereotypical one. Often times I catch myself writing more elaborately than I should and I do not wish to become so consumed with providing images that I paint the wrong image of me. A dear friend of mine posted something slightly like this the other day and it inspired me to do the same. We all need to come to a point in our lives where we can be completely real and open with each other. Filtered of course, but not afraid to show that we are only human. As I write this and you read this, this is not a way for me to try and gain praises or compliments. I am no fisher. But it is simply a way for me to tear down the images I made myself to be in my own mind.

Who Beth Winze really is……

Terrified to be alone for the rest of her life. Not sure who I am yet so I am searching for the real me. My mind keeps me awake at night with deep thoughts and fears of the future. I get nightmares quite easily and the stay with me for a long time. I am naturally a nervous person. I never leave the house without makeup on because I am not confident in my natural self. I have a massive imagination that sometimes never stops (good or bad). I overthink. I am never thrilled with my body image. I am a free spirit. I always seem to be perpetually stuck in a negative mindset. I can’t sit still for longer than 10 minutes, but I refuse to diagnose myself as ADD. My heart gets hurt extremely easy. Words effect me drastically. Hand written letters mean the world to me and I have a little box that keeps all the ones I have been given. I like to observe what is going on around me instead of always being in the action. I am quite lazy. People who look me in the eyes, ask me how I am doing, and refuse to take “fine” as an acceptable answer make me want to get to know them. I think I can carry the weight of everyone else’s emotions but I can’t. I sympathy cry…….like CRAZY (I try not to but seeing others hurting makes me hurt for them.) I am OCD a lot and little misplaced things irritate me. I use entirely to many British slang such as “bloody” “arse” and “peasants”. I am afraid to get super close to people because it has not always worked out for me in the end. My heart is vintage. I want to be a hardcore feminist, but I love guys to much. I cry myself to sleep when it gets overwhelming. I am working like crazy this summer so that I can go to college. I am scared to fail in college. I am excited for the freedom college will allow me. Christina Perri’s albums are the soundtrack to my life. I have a weird obsession with lion pictures. The first movie I cried to was The Lion King. I love cats and hate being made fun of and being called a cat-lady (it’s a passion). I am learning to grieve.  I am terribly clumsy and always have a bruise or cut somewhere. High heels still make me squeal like a little girl. I cry when I am mad. I am a wanderlust.

I want to be different than what the world tells us as humans to be. We are humans and we deserve so much more than to hide from each other. Life is not a masquerade ball that we can wear pretty gowns and hide our flaws. The most beautiful dancers are the ones willing to show their faulty steps.

“Some people think that the truth can be hidden with a little cover-up and decoration. But as time goes by, what is true is revealed, and what is fake fades away.”
~ Ismail Haniyeh

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